Owner of a Lonely Heart

Driving to work today, I heard the song by Yes. It’s one of those songs that takes me back to a very specific memory.

My first year of college away from home, things didn’t go well for me. I took terrible care of myself, and was generally a mess. I don’t talk about it much, but rather refer to it as “that year I went insane.”

In an attempt to separate myself from the guy I was head over heels for (who had a girlfriend), I tried going on dates with other guys. This was mostly a futile attempt, but I’m impressed with my past-self for even doing that.  I had met G on the bus. After seeing him multiple times and thinking he was adorable, I finally introduced myself and we started hanging out. He was incredibly sweet, but there were two things I was having a hard time getting past: his diabetes (Type 1) and his love of Yes.

“Owner of a Lonely Heart” brings me back to one very surreal night, shortly after Valentine’s Day. G and I had been hanging out, and his blood sugar had dipped and he wasn’t feeling well. He was lying down on my bed, feeling horrible while I dug up some juice, when there was a sound at my window. My second-story window. Already flustered by the fact that I was convinced that G was going to die right there in my dorm room (yes, the flair for the dramatic has always been there), the last thing I needed was what was outside the window.  It was that guy, the one with the girlfriend, breaking apart heart-shaped cookies (that said girlfriend had bought him), and throwing them at my window. Symbolic much?

I eventually convinced myself that I couldn’t date someone who I was constantly convinced was going to die. It was terribly unfair of me, but also indicative of my condition at the time. G was upset, and gave me a burnt CD of his favorite song, which I ignored for a long time because I didn’t want to deal with what I had done. Later, much later, I listened to it and cried. And now I can’t remember the song, or the words, or why it hurt so badly to listen to it. Only that it was Yes.

(And kind of bad.)

Tweets of yore

So I decided to delete my Twitter account. It was yet another social networking site to keep up with, and I found myself less and less interested. Here is a collection of the only things on Twitter I ever said that were interesting (out of a very long list of boring-as-dead items).

Okay, yeah, you win.
4:27 PM Nov 11th, 2008

I suspect that the name “Quickly” is a bit of a misnomer.
1:44 PM Nov 14th, 2008

CAT TOILET http://tinyurl.com/675s4p
1:34 PM Nov 20th, 2008

Cute tee, brown dockers, black chucks: I look like a very cute lesbian today
.9:23 AM Nov 21st, 2008

Who plays TATU at a Day 1 party? LIFE TECHNOLOGIES, that’s who.
3:54 PM Nov 24th, 2008

Best Thing Ever: World’s Largest Moose: http://tinyurl.com/5j6gcd
3:22 PM Dec 1st, 2008

I STILL HAVE A JOB.
10:27 AM Dec 10th, 2008

I don’t think you should be allowed to wear a fur coat and flip flops at the same time, for more than one reason.
6:51 PM Dec 13th, 2008

All Hail President Worf. YAY!
10:25 PM Dec 15th, 2008

Toluene, why you gotta be a bitch?
1:42 PM Jan 21st

The bridge in Womanizer is completely unnecessary and, in fact, detracts from the rest of the song.
9:49 AM Feb 6th

Someone ended up at my Flickr by searching for “grandma soup machine.” I think I need to start a new band.
11:32 AM Feb 12th

I think Grandma Soup Machine should be alt-country, since that’s what I’m in the mood for.
12:21 PM Feb 12th

bootgazin’
1:10 PM Feb 12th

Jerry, don’t eat the bedroom corn!
3:22 AM Mar 8th

Spock’s dad is Lionel Luthor! I’ve never said anything more geeky!
9:54 PM Mar 9th

I dreamed of tiny golden keyboards hidden inside sewing machines. Your chat was instantly embroidered.
9:18 AM Apr 3rd

What I learned this weekend: There’s a fine line between Axl Rose and Ethel Merman.
6:33 AM Apr 6th

Dive bombed by seven ducks.
3:49 PM Apr 22nd

I am drinking water out of a pickle jar. Well, a former pickle jar.
10:15 PM May 14th

I had a dream I was a ballerina and now I’m pretty sure I can do anything.
1:48 PM Jun 4th

LOOK SADDER WHILE YOU EAT IT.
8:43 AM Jun 5th

Eating the last of the cinnamon bears, and found a spare head floating around. It was tasty.
12:03 PM Jun 16th

I’m pretty sure I won’t drink a cocktail made with mayonnaise.
11:43 AM Jun 30th

OH: all black people on TV look like Jordi La Forge.
8:35 PM Jul 1st

OH: that’s my gay farmer porn music!
9:14 PM Aug 5th

Took an extra trip to the sixth floor of Macy’s for the marble bathroom. It may be my favorite bathroom in SF other than my house.
5:30 PM Aug 30th

Everyone needs their own autotune gadget. We shall carry them around in huge hats like T-Pain.
3:47 PM Sep 2nd

OH: Conclusion: Elton John is gay for camels.
2:33 PM Sep 3rd

Happy happening Hebrew hobo clown!
7:52 PM Sep 5th

You know I love you, right?

So Mace is a little busy.

It’s a good thing, really; we have a huge show in December* and we’re mounting a bunch of new numbers, one of which will (hopefully) be a solo by yours truly. So I’m dancing four days a week, which makes me really happy (and prone to injury), but it also means that I have even less time to spend with the people I care about. Sometimes I feel like I’m a broken record, saying over and over “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I wish I could, I really do miss you.” But I mean it every time.

For October and November, here is when I want to see you: Wednesday nights**, Friday nights, Saturday nights, and all day Sunday. Please please please. I hate feeling out of touch. And of course, I’ll still be emailing up a storm.  I’m so thankful for the internet, otherwise I’d feel completely disconnected.

I have awesome friends.

* December 11-13th, more details after the promotion bonanza starts.
** Tenuous, since I do treat these as alone time nights.

Hooray and Oops

So it’s 1:35 in the morning and I’ve just gotten home from a marathon of Rock Band Beatles. We finished the basic story line, though it took four hours and a hefty amount of cookies. I drummed mostly, sang a little, tried to harmonize, plucked some easy guitar. And now it’s 1:40am and I can’t remember if I have a 8:00am meeting tomorrow or not. This would nice information to know.

Hey, good job, kfan and folks at Harmonix. Totally fun game!
And thanks to Miguel for letting me rock!

New Mice Adventures

As you faithful readers will know, I’ve had some troubles with mice before. I’m happy to report that since Jack moved in, there have been blessed few run-ins with the tiny creatures. And then this last week!

Last weekend, Trevor and I were running late (this is pretty much normal operations at my house, both of us enjoying sleeping, and arguing over who has to shower first), and as I came out of the bathroom, I heard Trevor making strange exclamations and grunting sounds. It turns out a mouse had run into the house with Jack, and they were…. playing? According to Trevor, the mouse kept purposely running under the cat, which is very unlike any other mouse I’ve seen. Still in a towel, I wasn’t really in a place to help, but I grabbed the broom and handed it over. Finally getting it in a good position, Trevor did his best Wayne Gretzky impersonation and slapshot the mouse out the open door. The mouse then ambled (ambled!) over to the edge of the deck and disappeared.

This weekend, I was doing a little cleaning (with my three brooms and a roomba, I should really be doing this more often), and I noticed a couple of bumps under the rug in the entry way. Jack has recently discovered the extreme fun of batting bottle caps around, and I’d found several of them under there before, so I lifted and shook out the rug. Two bottle caps came flying out, as well as a dead mouse. I have no idea how long it was under there, though it couldn’t have been long as it didn’t look like it was very decayed. It was, however, pretty flat, which was pretty gross.  It’s bad enough to be dead, but to also be trod upon? Sorry, tiny grey mouse.

Here’s the odd thing: there have been no traces of mouse activity in my kitchen. I’ve been very lazy about my food containment, leaving food out on the counter on a near daily basis, and I haven’t seen a single bite mark or telltale poop. So what have these mice been doing in my apartment? What do you think?

These dreams…

So this morning, I was going to interview David Bowie. But we were going to have the interview at an old bus stop, with a Victorian looking lamp and lovely wooden benches. David Bowie arrives on a very small vehicle that was travelling down tracks that looked like they hadn’t been used in decades. He has with him a woman I don’t recognize, and Jeremy Piven. They decide that this location is too dark and cold to do the interview, and we were discussing other locations when I woke up.

Questions:
1. Why was I going to interview David Bowie? I have no affiliations or reasons to do so.
2. Why did David Bowie’s entourage include Jeremy Piven? Is it just because of the word Entourage?
3. How awesome is it that David Bowie has his own track-based form of travel?

So that happened

I’m 32 now. I’m still thinking about what this means. I’ll share when I know. It might be a while.

Sometimes I crack myself up

So I was going through some old emails, and I found this nugget, on the day Tim Russert passed away:

Me and ol’ Tim had a bit of a powwow this morning while he was on his way upstairs. We’re even stevens, baby. We shared a secret handshake that lasted at least seven minutes and included the watusi.

I still find this funny. I don’t know why.

8th Show of 2009: Iron & Wine

Iron & Wine, originally uploaded by maceelaine.

On May 7th, Jenn and I headed over to the Swedish American Hall to see Iron & Wine.

This was more or less the perfect week day show. I love the SAH, full of space and light and seats. The show started at 7:30 with the Magic Leaves, who sound like a hippy jam band but were amazing. Mellow and harmonic, I’d definitely like to see them again. By the time they finished their set, we could still see the fading sun out the skylights.

Iron & Wine was engaging, hilarious, and an amazing musician. It takes a special person to be able to fill an entire stage solo. I didn’t even take my eyes off him the whole night. I was only partially familiar with his work, and now I am a certified fan.

Because I am old, I was truly excited that the show was done by ten. It gave me plenty of time to go home and relax and ruminate on the awesomeness.

If you’re interested in hearing the concert, you can purchase it for cheap HERE.  Brilliant idea, by the way.

Is it better to forget?

So before there was Tumblr, before there was LiveJournal, there was Diaryland. I joined in 1999, when the Internet was (for me) shiny and new and there was nowhere to leave comments. I kept the diary to semi-publicly air my dirty laundry, and to kvetch about things that weren’t working in my life, knowing that there was a limited audience of people who were reading it.

I’m not going to link to it here. Those industrious people who’ve known me a long time could probably go and find it, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. Because here’s the thing: it’s horrible. It’s the mopey ranting of a 21 year old who needed to vent somewhere and kill time working in the computer center of her college. Having rediscovered it recently, I read every single post and it depressed the hell out of me.

What struck me most was how many things I didn’t remember. Many of them dusted off long-stored feelings that hadn’t seen light of day for quite some time. And many seemed completely new to me, even though I lived them. And it was kind of shocking. I had to spend about two days processing everything I had read before I could even talk to anyone about it. And then I had to wonder: is any of it worth remembering? What good is it to dredge up fears, fights and feelings from ten years ago?

I don’t have any simple answers. Do you? How much do you remember?