Archive for December, 2008

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Hi Handsome

December 24, 2008

Hi Handsome, originally uploaded by maceelaine.

I cannot believe how big Jack’s gotten. And how handsome. He’s a pretty awesome cat and I can no longer remember what it was like without him around.

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Gee, only two years?

December 24, 2008

I’d been carrying a secret around with me. I wasn’t over it.

Two years ago, I had a brief relationship with someone. It ended badly, and I carried the hurt around for TWO YEARS. About 8x the length of the actual relationship. I’m not sure why I held onto it for so long, but I do know that now it’s gone.

I had been loath to tell anyone about it, since the feelings were recurring much longer than I thought was necessary. Besides, I get easily annoyed by women who go on  and on about breakups that happened in the past, and I certainly didn’t want to be one of those women. I didn’t think about it all the time, but once in a while something would remind me, and there’d be this flash of anger and a tightening in my chest, and I’d think about it nonstop for a day or two. Then it would go back into its dormancy.

I’d also kept this to myself because plenty of my friends are still on good terms with him. I’m not a fan of talking crap about someone in front of their friends, it’s awkward all around. So it wasn’t a total shock when he popped up in the chat for BeTheMarriage*. There was no drama, but the next day, there was the anger again.

And I did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I wrote a VERY long email to a friend of mine (who wasn’t familiar with the story), about why I was angry, and why I felt I had been wronged, and just blathered on until I ran out of steam.  A few days later, I tried to tap into that anger again, and found it gone.

I can look at the past so much more reasonably now. Sure, I was hurt, but he wasn’t evil, or even mean. He made some decisions at inopportune moments and hurt me. But all in all, he was a nice guy who was going through some stuff, and I was going through a LOT of stuff, and couldn’t have been a total pleasure to be around. So yeah. The past is the past, and it’s all about the future now, baby.

* Funny story there: I had been throwing up for the last eight hours and was finally starting to feel kind of human again, though still very out of it. Out of it enough that I would stare at the keyboard while I typed, because I didn’t trust my fingers to do a good job on their own. So I completely missed that a private message had popped up while I was typing, and it defaulted to that screen. There was a very polite message just letting me know that he was also here, and hoped it wasn’t awkward, and that I was doing well. My response? “The giblets.”

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Upon further, further thought…

December 17, 2008

So I recently sent this email to a special* confidant of mine on December 5th.

So there IS a lot to be stressed out about: I’m 31, and starting to feel like I want to settle down and make a home, and I have a partner who seems to be up in the air about it. Our company just went through a huge merger, and none of us know if our jobs are secure. My left knee has been acting achy lately, and my calves refuse to unclench. Christmas is fast approaching, and I have bought one gift, and I’m not sure what I’m going to be able to afford for those that I love. Then again, like usual, I have NO IDEA what to get ANYONE.

That being said, when I really thing about it, I’m doing pretty well. I’m only a grand in debt, and by the end of the week half of that will be paid off, I’m certainly not living paycheck to paycheck, and though things have been expensive lately, it’s not indicative of what’s to come. I have my job NOW, and I enjoy it, and even if I lose it, I work in an industry that isn’t hit as hard by recession as many others. Sure, my legs are tight, but I’m generally in good health. I have a fantastic family and friends, and a great boyfriend who loves me very much. And, of course, Jack. I can’t even remember what my life was like before him. He crawls under the covers with me in the mornings and curls up in my belly and makes me so happy I want to cry. The good kind of crying.

So maybe I can write off this noodleness as seasonal woes, both holiday and weather related, coupled with bad hormonal timing and a need for some stability.

All in all, I’m okay. And I’m glad that you’re my friend.

Since then:

  • We had  a Very Important Meeting at work, and by the end of June, 2/3 of the people in my department will be gone. Luckily, my group was spared (for now), but things are a bit strained here at work. People are upset, and rightly so.
  • A week after sending this email, I contracted some sort of stomach bug and proceeded to vomit away a weekend.
  • My cat, after spending a wonderful week sleeping at night and being wonderful, is back to up-all-night-and-wanting-to-play.
  • General malaise.

And yet, things are looking up for me. I’ve gotten Christmas shopping done, I found some pants that fit that didn’t cost arm and a leg**,  and I have a vacation planned in snowy Colorado shortly after Christmas. And as always, I have excellent friends, am in a stable relationship, and I love my family. So I’m just going to take some deep breaths, smile, and wait for the warmth to return.

* Special as in “near to my heart” not as in “handicapable.”
** Had I spent a leg, my pants would probably be cheaper.