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Owner of a Lonely Heart

November 11, 2009

Driving to work today, I heard the song by Yes. It’s one of those songs that takes me back to a very specific memory.

My first year of college away from home, things didn’t go well for me. I took terrible care of myself, and was generally a mess. I don’t talk about it much, but rather refer to it as “that year I went insane.”

In an attempt to separate myself from the guy I was head over heels for (who had a girlfriend), I tried going on dates with other guys. This was mostly a futile attempt, but I’m impressed with my past-self for even doing that.  I had met G on the bus. After seeing him multiple times and thinking he was adorable, I finally introduced myself and we started hanging out. He was incredibly sweet, but there were two things I was having a hard time getting past: his diabetes (Type 1) and his love of Yes.

“Owner of a Lonely Heart” brings me back to one very surreal night, shortly after Valentine’s Day. G and I had been hanging out, and his blood sugar had dipped and he wasn’t feeling well. He was lying down on my bed, feeling horrible while I dug up some juice, when there was a sound at my window. My second-story window. Already flustered by the fact that I was convinced that G was going to die right there in my dorm room (yes, the flair for the dramatic has always been there), the last thing I needed was what was outside the window.  It was that guy, the one with the girlfriend, breaking apart heart-shaped cookies (that said girlfriend had bought him), and throwing them at my window. Symbolic much?

I eventually convinced myself that I couldn’t date someone who I was constantly convinced was going to die. It was terribly unfair of me, but also indicative of my condition at the time. G was upset, and gave me a burnt CD of his favorite song, which I ignored for a long time because I didn’t want to deal with what I had done. Later, much later, I listened to it and cried. And now I can’t remember the song, or the words, or why it hurt so badly to listen to it. Only that it was Yes.

(And kind of bad.)

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